Aquarium: interactive television for cats.
Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four
footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing
extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a
treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7.
one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair
relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal.
Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.
Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.
Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.
Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.
Dog: a cat's device for running practice.
Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other
Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an
until you try to play with them.
Human: an automatic door opener and treats machine for
Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.
Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human
to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless
acts of destruction with
near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for
beginners. Get at
Purrade: an organized march of cats.
Purradise: the garden of Cats.
Purramour: a cat lover.
Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.
Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.
Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.
Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.
Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.
Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.
Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.
Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.
Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.
Purrson: a male kitten.
Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just
as you are
leaving home to go to an important meeting.
Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.
Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.
Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to
Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.
Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password"
10. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups
7. Your web browser has a new home page: .
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange
aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages in your outbox to Apple Computers,
Inc. about thier
release of "CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial
scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like
CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching
And then there's all that gourmet cat food arriving
10 signs your cat is
10.Cat door retrofitted with garage-door opener
9. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag
8. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden
upsurge in broken
7. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens
6. No longer cleans herself unless coated in Cheese Whiz
5. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green
4.It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
3.He only catches mice that get trapped in his
2.Enormous furry gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly
1. Has more chins than lives.
To English Dictionary"
Cat Phrase - Meaning
Miaow - Feed me.
meeow - Pet me.
mrooww - I love you.
miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet
my betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
Don't wait up.
mrow - I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come
to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat
box untidiness by shoveling the contents as
far out of the box as was practical.
>miaowmiaow - Play with me.
miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the
shortage of available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing
better to play with, I shall see what happens
when I sharpen my claws on this handy
piece of furniture.
raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time
licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am
now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my
private parts did not return with me from that
visit to the vet
Cat show in heaven!
I am certainly
bored," stated John.
"Me too," Paul chimed in.
Peter stood and watched the cats play. "I
Peter began. "Why don't we have a cat show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great
except for one small detail that Paul pointed out.
"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized
the answer: "We will call up Satan and invite him
to the cat show. I mean, we have all of the finest
cats here in heaven, all of the Grand Champions
and National Winners are here. His cattery is
filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean cats.
We are certain to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other
realm communication lines and invited him to
their cat show. Satan laughed and asked why
they would want to be humiliated like that,
because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What
do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all
the Grand Champions and National Winners
here in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed: "Have you
forgotten so soon, gentlemen? I have all the
Presented by the Institute of Theoretical & Applied
1. Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted
upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2. Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a
really good reason to change direction.
3. Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in
direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the
case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
5. Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the
length of the nap just taken.
6. Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a
position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is
possible for the cat.
7. Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about
any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on
8. Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets
good and ready to stop.
9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10. Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very
11. Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in inverse proportion to a
human's desire for her to do something.
12. First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as
13. Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of
14. Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will
come along and take out something good to eat.
15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed
at the speed of light.
16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
comfortable spot in any given room.
17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat
within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18. Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her
embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19. Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to
show you he can.
20. Law of Furniture Replacement
A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.
21. Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22. Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume,
minus the amount of milk consumed.
23. Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to
the amount of effort a human expends in trying to
24. Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach
25. Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't
26. Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile
away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
27. Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points
equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the
center of the room.
28. Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see
29. Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any
30. Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the
comfort of the lap she occupies.
31. Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is,
only the probability of where she "might" be.
32. Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
||Cat For Sale
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a
mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The
saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious
piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for
the cat. "It's not for sale," said the
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is
dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats
that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and
pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in
the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten
seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing
doing," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far
this week I've sold 34 cats."
--Submitted by Gene Sax
Dropped a Cat
Q. If you tied buttered toast to the back
of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would
I've verified the result of this experimentally, and find
that all laws of thermodynamics and Murphy are preserved.
1. If bread is loosely attached, cat hits floor on his
feet, then removes bread which hits floor, butter side
down. Elapsed time is identical to that of merely
dropping buttered bread - which can becalculated by
considering acceleration due to gravity and air
resistance of bread.
2. If bread is more tightly attached, cat hits floor on
his feed, removes bread, then FLINGS it to the floor
butter side down. Cat adds sufficient acceleration to
bread to make up for time lost due to un-attaching bread,
so butter hits floor with the correct elapsed time.
3. If bread is ABSOLUTELY attached to cat, cat hits
floor on his feet, then, to make sure that NO TIME
PARADOXES occur, cat rolls over on his back, causing
butter to hit floor with the correct elapsed time.
4. Buttering a cats back doesn't work - cat hits floor
on his feet, then proceeds to wipe butter off on all
furniture in the immediate vicinity, starting with the
most expensive. (This causes much more damage than just
dropping bread, and doesn't involve either a time paradox
or a violation of the applicable laws of the universe.)
Plus, cat is severely pissed off, and tends to piss on
any furniture that he considers didn't receive sufficient
THE CAT TO
CAT PHRASE - MEANING
Miaow - Feed me.
meeow - Pet me.
mrooww - I love you.
miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed
outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow - I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the
rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness
by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was
miaowmiaow - Play with me.
miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of
available cat toys in this room?
mioawmioaw - Since I can find nothing better to play
with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on
this handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww - I think I shall now spend time licking the
most private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww - (only heard in males) I am now
recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did
not return with me from that visit to the vet.
roww-maww-roww - I am so glad to see that you have
returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will
now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you
as you walk towards the kitchen.
mmeww - I believe I have heard a burglar. If you
would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy
to keep your spot in the bed warm.
gakk-ak-ak - My digestive passages seem to have
formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come
from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
mow - Snuggling is a good idea.
moww - Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the
warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
miaow! miaow! - I have discovered that, although one
may be able to wedge his body through the gap behind the
stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and
pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to
mraakk! - Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssroww! - I believe that I have found a
woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
mmmmmmm - If I sit in the sunshine for another week
or so, I think I shall be satisfied
BENCHING REQUEST (bentching rikwest) Verb
A tactical maneuver employed byexhibitors with a devout
interest in social climbing, self-preservation or both.
BLOW (blo) verb
What a cat does when it turns ballistic in a ring and
goes after a judge the way China goes after its
CONTRACT (kontrakt) noun
Attempted legalese in which the part of the first part,
through sedulous disregard of the first and other
amendments, seeks to hog-tie the party of the second part
in a transaction involving a cat.
CATALOG (katuhlaug) noun
An often over-priced, confusing, hard-to-use exhibitor's
necessity. Contains all the information on all the cats
entered in the show; however, this information is
frequently incorrect due to no fault of the exhibitor or
the entry clerk. Designed to fall apart by the third ring
of the day. Unlike the hand, is easily misplaced. Most
frequently disappears when your cat has done very well
and the information it contains is badly needed.
DESIGNER CAGE CURTAINS (dizainer kaej kertinz) noun
A triumph of platitude over practicality whereby
once-utilitarian items have been elevated to status
symbols. Spiritually akin to velvet Elvis painting,
designer cage curtains sometimes cost more than the cats
DIRECTIONS TO THE SHOW HALL (direkshunz, sho haul) noun
In legal parlance, sufficient cause for justifiable
homicide. No jury has ever convicted a person for
assaulting the committee member who put together the
directions to the show hall.
DISRECTIONARY INCOME (diskreshunaree inkum) noun
What an exhibitor has left for the mortgage, the kids'
orthodontist and the utility bills after paying entry
fees, plane fares and dinners charged to Master card for
the last four shows.
DISINFECTANT (disinfecktnt) noun
A sacramental ointment used by judges to wash their hands
of their decisions.
END-OF-ROW-BENCHING (end ov roe bentching) noun
Prime show hall real estate, paid for by exhibitors who
are incapable of ignoring people on both sides of them at
ENTRY CLERK (entre klurk) noun
A person of questionable judgement who suffers fools,
phone calls, and inane questions, though not always
gladly or with grace.
FRESH WATER (fresh wahtr) noun
A luke-warm, murky substance at least one-quarter mile
and two doorways from an exhibitor's benching cage.
FUR (fer) noun
What some exhibitors and judges wear to cat shows in
colder months to demonstrate their concern for all
animals great and small.
GATE (gaet) noun
A collective noun applied to a collection of individuals,
at least half of whom interrupt your grooming to announce
that they "have a cat just like that at home".
GENETICS (juhnetiks) noun
An arcane, tedious discipline, little understood, yet
much discussed by cat breeders, the knowledge of which
has nothing to do with producing a good cat. Unlucky
breeders resort to genetics to explain their failures,
lucky breeders embrace it to explain their successes.
Both are generally wrong.
HAND (hahnd) noun
An appendage, with an opposable thumb, provided by
providence so that exhibitors will have something to
write their cats' entry numbers on that, unlike the
catalog, they won't be able to misplace.
HOUSEHOLD PET CLASS (howshoeld pet klas) noun
A congregation of cats of allegedly unknown origin who
sometimes outnumber their pedigreed cousins at a show.
A plea of Nolo Contendere entered by a judge who is about
to say something that a goodly percentage of the audience
is sure to disagree with.
JUDGES DINNER (judgz dinur) noun
A secular version of the last supper in which the haves
are pursued by the would-haves. An enterprise to which
the average exhibitor is not always invited, despite the
fact that he or she is subsidizing the dinner with an
JUDGING TABLE (judjing taebul) noun
A place where fleas, mats, ear mites, and suspicious
looking bald spots, miraculously appear for the first
time in a cat's life.
LUNCH BREAK (luntch braek) noun
An interval in which exhibitors repay judges for their
many transgressions by asking them questions while they
are trying to eat.
MASTER CLERK (mastur klurk) noun
A person with a keenly developed tolerance for drudgery,
a head for transcribing figures under extreme duress, a
determination to become a judge at any cost. A fondness
for self-flagellation and hairshirts may be substituted
for the judging fixation.
NOVICE EXHIBITOR (nahvis exibitur) noun
A natural mutation of the human species. Equal parts
"Golly-Gee" enthusiasm and endless questions.
PEDIGREE (pedugree) noun
A document listing the known (or alleged) ancestors of a
cat. Much studied by persons with a fondness for
PEOPLE FOOD (peepul fud) noun
What exhibitors subsist on at shows. Differs from cat
food in that the latter must conform to certain
POLITICS (polutiks) verb
Why your cat was defeated by a cat belonging to someone
on the show committee, or by a judge.
PREPOTENT (preepoetunt) verb
What a male cat automatically becomes after he's produced
one good litter with a mediocre outcross female.
PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM (publik ahdres sistum) noun
An instrument of torture that argues (loudly) on behalf
of selected repression of freedom of speech.
RAFFLE (rafl) noun
Legalized petty larceny, sanctioned by show committees,
in which children are authorized to shake down their
elders in the spirit of trick or treat.
RIVAL ASSOCIATIONS (raival asosseeaeshunz) noun
Beknighted assemblies with no redeeming social value,
where cats are inferior, the judges incompetent, and the
exhibitors eat their young.
ROSETTE (roezet) noun
A garish wall covering. Prized by cat fanciers.
SHOWABLE BREEDER (Sho-abul Breedur) noun A cat with a
better chance of producing than defeating grands.
Distinguished from the garden variety of breeder by the
SHOW BATH (shoe bahth) verb
A very painful and needlessly complicated process which
removes a quantity of dirt and hair form a cat,
multiplies it by ten, mixes it with steam and applies it
to every surface of a room.
SHOW COMMITTEE (shoe kuhmitee) noun
The ship of fools, depending on who's at the helm and how
treacherous the sharks in the surrounding water are.
Note the word "commit", as in certifiably
SHOW FLYER (shoe flie-ur) noun What the serpent concealed
in the apple he presented to Eve.
SPECTATOR (spektaeur) noun
STANDARD (standurd) noun
A work of fiction that artfully combines the exactitude
of the constitution with the literary flair of a
blueprint. Difficult to read, nearly impossible to
apply, and frequently ignored by the judges.
STEWARD (stoo-urd) noun
An underage and under duress member of the juvenile set
wearing at least one item of clothing you've never seen
before and looking at a bunch of cats he or she hopes
never to see again.
THIRD CALL (thurd kawl) noun
The earliest call heeded by those exhibitors who believe
the last shall be the first, as long as the judge sees
them putting the cat in the ring.
A porous disclaimer that the judges use when they aren't
convinced of the certitude of their decisions and suspect
that you aren't going to either.
TIEBREAKERS (tei-braekrz) verb
What a judge does to stall for time and pray for guidance
when itcouldgoeitherway. These services are usually
conducted just before the judge intones
TITER (tietur) noun
A number that when squared and divided by 10,000 reveals
your chances (expressed in percentages) of wiping out
your entire cattery, if you buy the cat the titer
TRAINEE (traenee) noun
An extremely nervous individual who holds up the show
while trying to guess how the judge is going to hang the
ribbons in any particular class.
WEDNESDAY (wenzdae) noun
The first day of the week which exhibitors regain full
use of their faculties. Unfortunately, the day of the
week on which exhibitors begin preparing for their next
Four men were
bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man
was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff". T-square pranced
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He
called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your
stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4
equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called
his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a
quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the
cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and
said, "What can your cat do?" The Government
Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break,
do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet,
ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of
the day on sick leave.